Introduction
This is me trying to be vulnerable. This post may offend or is too dramatic for some readers. So skip it if you don’t want to.
I am writing this post as a remembrance that I have failed to be a stoic. Sigh, I wrote this “stoic” thing everywhere in my bio. Turns out I don’t deserve one. At least for now.
The Incident
Today, I have heard a lot of good news about my friends. Some are getting promoted, some are getting married, some are having their startup being funded by a VC, some are having fun with their new Horizon Forbidden West. All good, right?. I am happy for them, I really do. I am happy that they are sharing their happiness, legit.
BUT, there is this thing inside of me that is currently shouting and banging. This thing feels like a caged matador bull ready to rush a waving red flag. It flows through my blood and my heart pounding fast. It feels like I’m angry. But I don’t have something to be angry about, aren’t I? I have a pretty stable job with a decent (but more than enough) pay, a loving family, lots of supportive friends, and a great roof to shelter. “There is NO reason to be angry”, said my big brain, when I tried to contemplate this feeling of mine. But this thing is too huge to ignore, and ignoring feelings is one of the things that may lead to depression (source: trust me). I will be happily sharing this feeling of mine, so that:
- I can deconstruct this bothersome feeling, and even find a possible solution.
- I can be an example of why you should always listen to your inner self.
The Incident, redefined
Let me really describe how I feel: It feels like when my big brother beat me in a game that I am supposed to be good at. It feels like I am losing when my favorite football team lost a crucial match that decides the champion of the league. It feels like a failure, a shameful defeat. I just lost.
“Nah, bro, it is called Quarter-life crisis. It usually happens at your age when things got rough.” Nope. I know what a Quarter-life crisis is. This ain’t it. I know what I want to do in my life.
Oh, just found a perfect word to describe this: insecurity. I am not confident that I will be a successful person in the future. I feel like everybody else is better than me.
The RCA
This is a new year, so you could have already guessed what causes this insecurity to chip in. Yep. It was seeing my friends got promoted, while I just stayed there like a fucking donkey. Why did they got promoted, but I don’t? Am I not as good as them? What am I doing here? Should I just leave and do something else? Streaming maybe? OnlyFans?
Some friends reading this might realize that I have suddenly DM-ed them, asking for some career advice. Yeah, bro, this is why. LOL.
Well, at least since I have written this I have acknowledged my feelings. From there, I can find a solution to obliterate this raging bull.
The Hotfix
To assassin this nuisance from bothering me every time, I have done some kind of self-therapy session:
- Be stoic (which I failed, horribly)
- Consult your trusted career friends
- Gratitude journal practice
- Writing this very post
Be Stoic
Stoic does not mean that you disregard the feelings coming at you. Nope. Stoic means that you have to correctly distinguish the things you can control and you cannot control.
In my case, being promoted is kind of a blurry problem, to begin with. Does it really depend only on your performance? Are there some external forces that I cannot control that control the decision? But one thing for sure, what I can control in this case is my performance at work. Is it good enough? Yeah, for me. I do not know for anyone else. That is why this is a challenging problem, and I have failed to identify those things. That is why I chose to be mad instead. Kidding. (or do I?)
Consult your trusted career friends
I have chatted with a couple of friends that I trust to consult on what I should do. I have collected the suggestion and am currently considering doing the things mentioned. This has helped me cope and motivates me to do better. Chatting with my friends also helped me realign my goals and list the things to achieve that goal.
To my beloved friends: you know who you are, thanks a lot.
Gratitude journal practice
Some might be wondering, “Urgh, what a shitty and ungrateful person. When is enough is enough?”. I totally get that. That is why one of my self-therapy sessions involves this step.
I am not actually writing a journal with paper and pen. I just do it inside my head. I just list the things that I have been really grateful for in my life. Things like great food, great friends, and other stuff. It has helped me cope with this feeling.
Being grateful is super underrated. I highly recommend doing this routine every day.
Writing this very post
If you have read until this part: congratulations! You have seen how I dissect my feelings and pour them into short but condensed paragraphs. I am feeling WAY BETTER than ever before. Now I can understand what I really feel. Now I know what things are missing. Now I know what to do.
If you feel something similar to what I feel in this post, I suggest you open your favorite text editor and just write. It really helps. A lot.
Closing
Thank you for reading this through and through. As a reward, here is a gift. CLICK PLEASE.
NB: If you read this and you are my coworker at work, or know someone that might be related to my position now, please refrain from sharing and talking about it further professionally. I can solve this by myself. If you want to talk about this, you can just talk off-the-record.